The Paul sits again in his office wondering if there is a way to jump-start the great Tappan Zee debate and how to be out in front of it yet again? He was the lone political voice the public would see and hear when the talk of converting the old TZ was all the rage. It was crazy – until others jumped in, stealing his thunder. Once other politicians stepped into the spotlight, he was pushed aside. “It’s not fair,” he would mutter privately. “This deflection was working.” More and more people were getting wise to his game. “C’mon, think! I need something else!”
Then the lightbulb went off in his head! “I need two issues at once!” he thought, “I need to do bigger deflections. And bullying. That’s hot right now, everybody hates a bully. I need to get on that anti-bullying, personal attacks bandwagon.” So he began to plot a plan. First, “Who is usually the most vocal against me? Second, I can use Councilman Kevin “The Henchman” Morgan to help me. He’ll do anything I say. Third, I need another topic, AAA Bond rating isn’t working. I can’t let that die, it’s too good and there’s not much they can say against it, is there?” Fourth, I need that bridge in the picture again. Wait a minute... bridges. Someone said, somewhere, somehow that bridges could be built faster than usual with accelerated bridge construction techniques. I'll be known as the bridge expert! I can use that crap all day long. Yes! I need to say something, anything, about bridges. I need to get Belville on that. Fifth, Indian Point. Yup, I need to get louder against Entergy - the papers will eat it up. So will my hundred-year old hippy tree-huggers. I gotta stop these community meetings. Man, if only Edgemont would secede! This is good, it’s all starting to come together! If only I didn’t have to go to those stupid supermarkets!”
The Paul picked up the Green-phone hotline to his Town Board. “Kevin, it’s me. Here’s what I’m going to need you to do. Go after Samis like you did with the cops and Sonya.” There’s a pause while Kevin explains the obvious to him. “I know he rides a bicycle. Yeah, I ride a bike too, what’s your point. No tickets, huh? Gotchya, okay, then forget the cops for him. I’m going to go after Bernstein, the ECC and Fulton Park. You know what? We can discuss WestHelp and some issues up there. These’s no one about to come out to any WestHelp meetings and nobody will make us look incompetent. In fact, I need you to talk about safety and the lack of sidewalks on Knollwood Road up by Westchester Community college and WestHelp. Kevin, this is good stuff! Just make sure you don’t mention the lack of sidewalks at the Greenburgh Health Center construction site. Those people are really paying attention and my deflections there are getting tougher to pull off. We don’t need them realizing we want sidewalks at WestHelp but the other end doesn’t need them. There’s so many illegal things going on with the Health Center construction it could really burn us if it gets out. Huh? C’mon, how many times do I have to explain this to you – what are you, Diana? They have the wrong easements, the wrong base fill, no sidewalks, c’mon, it’s all illegal! I don’t have all day for this. I haven’t figured out what to do about the G8, but I beat down what’s-her-name and the others with the missing money at the Theodore Young Center. We don’t have to worry about them anymore!”
“Listen, I had another brainstorm. I’m going to start a new mantra: the complainers. I need you guys on board to do the usual. There are only a few hardcore that show up so I’ll knock them indirectly by saying they are a small group of complainers against anything we want. And I’ll then comment on their personal attacks on me and the Board. You know if I say it enough, the papers will pick it up. This is going to really turn things around for us. Then I’ll focus on the good things in Greenburgh.” There’s a pause. “Yeah Kevin, I know it’s brilliant! So, instead of twenty years of failures, I can actually turn this around with positives. What? Such as?” More silence. “Yes Kevin! I’m still here... Um, I’m thinking. There really isn’t much good stuff to talk about, is there?” Thinking out loud, holding his head with both hands, elbows on his desk while dangling the Green-phone against his ear, The Paul mumbled, “I’m thinking we need interns somewhere. Can’t do much more with the 80k parking tickets. Those useless interns didn’t do what they were supposed to; need to stay away from churches, what with the Fortress Bible decision - geez $8 million; I’m ignoring the flooding in Fulton Park and and the Saw Mill as much as I can; went to the ECC meeting and Loftus ripped me a new one. Hey Kev, good thing you didn’t go to Edgemont. Can’t go back there. Hmmm. Kev, I’ll get back to you. I need to talk to Francis.”
“Francis, it’s me. Listen, too many people are hammering us. The deflections aren’t working. We need something else. What can I do, I need something? Anything!” asked The Paul once Francis took his call. “Edgemont’s killing me on the stupid Dromore Road suit. Lewis really screwed this one up! Did you hear him the other night. He’s not going to discuss his strategy. Hah! He doesn’t even have a strategy! Indian Point isn’t working, the Tappan Zee bridge issue has died, I need something else. Even the AAA Bond rating isn’t working that much – and that should have been so good. We have a gazillion certiorari claims and we’re losing money like beer flows on St. Patrick’s Day. Get it?” Back Pocket tried to inject a few thoughts but The Paul was relentless, “Even the “free” charging station at the Library is getting all kinds of resistance. What’s up with these people. It’s free and only going to cost us $10k! Idiots.” Silence on the line while “Back Pocket” spoke. “I don’t need you to tell me it’s not free, but these residents need to get out of my way,” The Paul retorted. Another pause. “No, I can’t use the Sewer District lawsuit because we lost that one too! Lewis and McCarthy! Damn them for screwing this up.” Forget it, Francis, you’re not giving me anything. Click!
“C’mon Diana, pick it up!” said The Paul out loud but under his breath. “Argh! The machine.” Pause. “Um yeah, Diana, it’s me. I need some deflection ideas. Call me back as soon as you wake up. Hey, what do you think about renting Frank’s Nursery to the National Guard or Disneyworld. I can get Abinanti to write a bill to authorize New York state to rent property from us. If Disney agrees we’ll buy the golf range next to it. It’ll be great and Unincorporated will pay for it. This could work. Then I can let this stupid bubble idea burst on it’s own. That’s not bad. Hey Diana, think about what else I can use. How about water rates. On second thought, forget that. It’s bad enough I’m raising the rates again, but now people know that we supply water to Mt Pleasant without charging anything to some and others are less than residents. Hey Diana, Diana, guess what? Did you know Antun’s Caterers in Elmsford is closing? Can they blame me for that too? It’s not my fault! Where are you, Diana?” Are you okay? Wake up! Wake up!
“Bill, Bill. Are you okay? Wake up! Wake up!”
“Uh? Yeah I’m okay, why?”
“You must have dozed off and were dreaming at your desk. You were yelling ‘It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault.’ ” Bad dream?
“I don’t think so, it seemed so real. Seedy, lifelike, but very real.”
“C’mon, let’s go. You need to go home and get some rest.
“Yeah, I’ll try. Could it have been a dream? I don’t think so... so real, so real!”
“Maybe it wasn’t a dream after all and you just dozed off.”
We can only hope.
“Listen, I had another brainstorm. I’m going to start a new mantra: the complainers. I need you guys on board to do the usual. There are only a few hardcore that show up so I’ll knock them indirectly by saying they are a small group of complainers against anything we want. And I’ll then comment on their personal attacks on me and the Board. You know if I say it enough, the papers will pick it up. This is going to really turn things around for us. Then I’ll focus on the good things in Greenburgh.” There’s a pause. “Yeah Kevin, I know it’s brilliant! So, instead of twenty years of failures, I can actually turn this around with positives. What? Such as?” More silence. “Yes Kevin! I’m still here... Um, I’m thinking. There really isn’t much good stuff to talk about, is there?” Thinking out loud, holding his head with both hands, elbows on his desk while dangling the Green-phone against his ear, The Paul mumbled, “I’m thinking we need interns somewhere. Can’t do much more with the 80k parking tickets. Those useless interns didn’t do what they were supposed to; need to stay away from churches, what with the Fortress Bible decision - geez $8 million; I’m ignoring the flooding in Fulton Park and and the Saw Mill as much as I can; went to the ECC meeting and Loftus ripped me a new one. Hey Kev, good thing you didn’t go to Edgemont. Can’t go back there. Hmmm. Kev, I’ll get back to you. I need to talk to Francis.”
“Francis, it’s me. Listen, too many people are hammering us. The deflections aren’t working. We need something else. What can I do, I need something? Anything!” asked The Paul once Francis took his call. “Edgemont’s killing me on the stupid Dromore Road suit. Lewis really screwed this one up! Did you hear him the other night. He’s not going to discuss his strategy. Hah! He doesn’t even have a strategy! Indian Point isn’t working, the Tappan Zee bridge issue has died, I need something else. Even the AAA Bond rating isn’t working that much – and that should have been so good. We have a gazillion certiorari claims and we’re losing money like beer flows on St. Patrick’s Day. Get it?” Back Pocket tried to inject a few thoughts but The Paul was relentless, “Even the “free” charging station at the Library is getting all kinds of resistance. What’s up with these people. It’s free and only going to cost us $10k! Idiots.” Silence on the line while “Back Pocket” spoke. “I don’t need you to tell me it’s not free, but these residents need to get out of my way,” The Paul retorted. Another pause. “No, I can’t use the Sewer District lawsuit because we lost that one too! Lewis and McCarthy! Damn them for screwing this up.” Forget it, Francis, you’re not giving me anything. Click!
“C’mon Diana, pick it up!” said The Paul out loud but under his breath. “Argh! The machine.” Pause. “Um yeah, Diana, it’s me. I need some deflection ideas. Call me back as soon as you wake up. Hey, what do you think about renting Frank’s Nursery to the National Guard or Disneyworld. I can get Abinanti to write a bill to authorize New York state to rent property from us. If Disney agrees we’ll buy the golf range next to it. It’ll be great and Unincorporated will pay for it. This could work. Then I can let this stupid bubble idea burst on it’s own. That’s not bad. Hey Diana, think about what else I can use. How about water rates. On second thought, forget that. It’s bad enough I’m raising the rates again, but now people know that we supply water to Mt Pleasant without charging anything to some and others are less than residents. Hey Diana, Diana, guess what? Did you know Antun’s Caterers in Elmsford is closing? Can they blame me for that too? It’s not my fault! Where are you, Diana?” Are you okay? Wake up! Wake up!
“Bill, Bill. Are you okay? Wake up! Wake up!”
“Uh? Yeah I’m okay, why?”
“You must have dozed off and were dreaming at your desk. You were yelling ‘It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault.’ ” Bad dream?
“I don’t think so, it seemed so real. Seedy, lifelike, but very real.”
“C’mon, let’s go. You need to go home and get some rest.
“Yeah, I’ll try. Could it have been a dream? I don’t think so... so real, so real!”
“Maybe it wasn’t a dream after all and you just dozed off.”
We can only hope.
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